Question:

My husband and I have been married for three years and he is no longer interested in making love to me. I have tried everything he just will not talk to me, but I don’t believe he is cheating on me. What could be the problem?

Answer:

There are a lot of men out there that would love to have this problem – and I do mean a lot.

Believe it or not, there are men who often reject sex from their partner. The first reason we believe is, he has to be sleeping with someone else simply because he is a man. We can’t even imagine most men ever rejecting intimacy.

Let’s face it: generally speaking, biologically and hormonally – not to mention culturally – men are much more driven to be sexual than women are. Yet this is not always necessarily so.

Here are 3 major reasons (other than health issues) why men may reject intimacy:

1. His partner nags him constantly about the things she wants or what he hasn’t done. She never stops to compliment him or acknowledge him for the things he does right, or the difference he makes in her life. All he hears is “I want, I want, I want.” He gets what we call performance anxiety, but he really has no desire to produce for someone who doesn’t appreciate him.
2. He has been frequently rejected (or once faced a particularly traumatic rejection) in past romantic encounters – possibly within your own relationship. It is primarily through sexual arousal that men begin to feel and express his love. This is when his heart is the most vulnerable. It is at this time he can most deeply feel the pains of rejection. If his partner has rejected him in the past his arousal can trigger anger and make him feel that pain again. He may feel aroused and start to feel anger at her and not even know why. In most cases, he will direct his sexual attraction elsewhere, creating a fantasy women who will not reject him or to a women who he doesn’t really care much about.
3. He is no longer turned on by his partner for reasons of appearance. She has stopped taking care of herself and neglects her appearance. She doesn’t take care of the home and most of the time the house is a mess.

You may want to ask your partner if any of these 3 reasons are an issue for him within your relationship, and if so, offer to work with him to overcome this problem. Even if you don’t believe it is a problem, what is important to remember is your partner sees it as a problem – and that problem will not go away until it is addressed to his (or her) satisfaction.

Question – How does one’s relationship survive an affair!

My Answer - For your relationship to survive an affair you must truly forgive him or her and s/he must find a way that satisfies you in making up for what s/he did.

S/He broke his/her word and his/her vows to you.  Now, it is up to you to forgive him/her and give him/her a way to make it up to you.  S/He must make amends and keep his/her word to you from now on in all areas. You must ask yourself.  Is this the first time or is this a pattern?  If it is a pattern, you both need to get some counseling to see what is going on underneath all the cheating.  Many times, peoples who cheat will always cheat.Remember: You deserve to have a husband/wife you can trust.  If this was the only time s/he has strayed, then you still have a chance.  You may still want to get counseling.  You both need to find your part in what happened and be responsible for it or else history will repeat itself.If this sounds too difficult to handle, you should consider moving on and creating a new future with someone that you can trust.

Part 1

We have interesting ways of deluding ourselves, especially when it comes to relationships. For people who are just leaving a relationship, and for those who are already in the dating game, the delusion is thinking they are actually ready for a relationship.

Sometimes people assume that changing their relationship will eliminate their relationship problems, when in fact the problems are often created by themselves. Others may assume they are ready for a relationship simply because they have had so much experience with them. However, if the experience is based on failed relationships then you have to wonder just how valuable it is. So, what are the signs you are ready for a relationship?

The first five signs that you are ready for a relationship center on accepting personal responsibilities – being ready to receive. Keep in mind that I am assuming you are looking for a long-term relationship that is valuable to both parties.

• 1. You are financially stable and are not looking for someone to share your financial responsibilities. Relationships have always been about money to a certain extent, but when it tops the list the resulting relationship can end up being needy and manipulative.
• 2. You are clear on what your issues are, and you are working on them. This is a very deep topic and you can get a good understanding of it from my Choosing A Relationship video, available in the Pillow Talk seminar series.
• 3. You don’t blame anyone for your past mistakes and disappointments. You hold yourself accountable and accept the content of your life.
• 4. You set boundaries and value your “me” time. You aren’t looking for a relationship simply because you don’t like to be alone.
• 5. You are clear about the kind of relationship you want, and you know where you will compromise, and where you won’t. You are unwilling to just “settle for” while you wait for the true Mr. or Miss. Right.

In my next post I will cover the next 5 signs of being ready for a relationship. These signs are based upon your willingness to give.

If your woman isn’t having sex regularly she may not be thinking about it much anymore. Women need regular stimulation in order for them to stay interested. Unlike men, whose desire increases over time when they don’t have sex, for women the desire decreases. Along with the decrease in desire there is a tendency for her to take longer to get aroused and become lubricated. The last thing you want to do is penetrate her when she isn’t wet because not only is that painful for her but you can also damage the sensitive lining of her vagina. 

Here is a plan you can follow that will bring sex, and arousal, to the front of her mind. 

• Spend a few days romancing her. Call her during the day just to say hi. Send her a couple of cards or emails letting her know you are thinking of her. Pull her close when it feels natural and just hold her and kiss her without sexual advances.
• When the time is right things will start to happen all by themselves. If that doesn’t work after a few days expand your efforts to include setting the stage for her to relax into the idea of sex. Think about what relaxes her. If it is a hot bath, suggest to her you will draw the water and wash her back. Light a candle at the tub. Maybe she likes massage. Offer to do that. Find the thing that will make her feel pampered and coax her into relaxing.
• Things should be ready to heat up by now so you also need to relax into it and focus on making sure she reaches maximum arousal. You should already be aware of the places she likes to be touched and kissed so begin there. Take your time. She will warm up in degrees, not all at once. Take your cue from her. When she is ready she will let you know by coaxing you into position, or asking you in her special way. 

You will be surprised at your results using this process but also remember: the longer she has been without it, the more effort will be required on your part. 

If you find you are only able to take her so far and not get to intercourse you should definitely try Alura. For years men have told me what amazing results they’ve had including Alura as part of their foreplay. When you apply Alura to the clitoral region it stimulates her to arousal, and it also increases her natural moisture flow so she desires you and is also ready for you, all at the same time. Alura comes in convenient Pillow Packs so the spontaneous moments stay spontaneous. 

And for you men and ladies who are already enjoying regular sex Alura can take even that to new heights of arousal and satisfaction. So whenever you want to turn up the heat, think Alura.

A recent newspaper article reported that we would be having sex with robots by the year 2050. These mechanical dreams are supposed to be so similar in intelligence and emotions to us that they will be indistinguishable from the typical person. Besides having sex with them the article also suggested we will be marrying them. 

I suppose if we can learn to love animals we could learn to love a machine that acts, feels and responds as humans do. But what of our unique human characteristics like emotions? When the robot has an orgasm will it be unique to that robot, or, similar to all robots? At what point will we loose interest in the robot because of its lack of emotional growth? Will we have to regularly update its software so we can have new experiences with it? Will the machines that are wired for sex be designed to top the human experience? And how many of us will buy into this for the sake of advertising and marketing, or even curiosity? 

It stimulates our minds to explore the unknown. But we can either use our desire to explore the unknown for a positive affect on our relationships, or we can use it to negatively affect our relationships. If we have sex in an elevator do we then have to have it on an airplane? If we do a threesome with two girls, will we have to do a threesome with two robots? We are looking for that next intense experience. We have shown we would rather take a pill to solve sexual issues than to teach our partners how our bodies work so we can give each other more pleasure sexually. Will robots take away the desire to become more deeply connected with our human loves? 

What about the possibility of discovering for ourselves that we don’t have ED (erectile dysfunction)? Or, how about discovering that our female partner really is saying no to us because it just isn’t as good for her as we think it is? We live in a fast-paced society and we have been programmed with the wrong information for too long. If you look at the magazine stands they are filled with articles claiming to have the answer, yet we still have relationship revolving doors. 

We should never underestimate technology. After all, look at where we’ve arrived just in the last 20 years. But it seems to me that there will always be something just a little different about humans that will always make them more enjoyable partners, both in and out of bed, than a programmed machine. Little nuances like unpredictability and emotional responses that come from experiences just might always keep us a bit different. 

We should begin putting more value on our human sexual relationships and we can do that through programs like Pillow Talk and by trying to live just a bit differently than we have been. We need to stop doing the stuff that keeps us away from the human experience. We need to turn off the TV, get off the computer, stop working late at the office, and spend some quality time together. 

Time will certainly answer the questions, but between now and then we should grab all the experience we can with the humans we love now.

One of my most romantic adventures wasn’t far from home. It was at a bed and breakfast right here in my city. I took my Mr. Wonderful on a very special date. One of the best things about the experience was that it was raining cats and dogs. Luckily I had been to the bed and breakfast earlier with our luggage and had prepared the room. Just thinking about it now brings back wonderful memories. I can see the candles burning and I can almost smell his favorite fragrance. I had everything covered, including something to please all five of his senses, and other things to keep us pleasurably entertained.

He had no idea what had been planned, just that he was mine for the entire weekend. I remember that Friday night we had dinner at this cozy little café right before I took him to our new secret spot. While we sat in the café watching it pour down outside, I asked him to close his eyes. I told him to imagine he could be anywhere in the world he wanted to be. I told him I was about to take him to that place. When he opened his eyes I gave him a passionate kiss and we left the café.

What was your favorite romantic adventure and why?