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More Than Just Fitting
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The tennis shoe is not a dress shoe. It could tell you it’s a dress shoe, but you wouldn’t believe it, no matter how much you wanted to. Your desire will not change the basic fact that a tennis shoe is not a dress shoe. You can’t cover it up with patent leather and call it a dress shoe. The nature of the shoe has not changed. Of course, if you’re comfortable with the tennis shoe as it is, that’s fine. It does have its place. And then, if you want to wear that beautiful dress shoe, you have to do what it takes to make sure you’re ready. You might have to change somewhat, and you’ll have to invest some time and energy polishing that shoe and helping it be all it can. In relationships, though, we’re constantly wearing the wrong shoes. It’s not a question of simply fitting, but of the occasion and purpose in wearing it. We may know what shoes to wear to what function, but in our relationships, we can’t tell a pump from a sandal, a tennis shoe from a penny loafer. Somehow we manage to muddle reality and make it impossible to see what fits where. You can’t fit the tennis shoe relationship the dress shoe type. After a few months, or sometimes years, with a person, it becomes harder to tell what style the relationship is and what style we actually need. Our emotions, wishes, and dreams cloud our cognitive abilities, and though we don’t know it, we’re making infantile mistakes. A million variables can cloud our relationship vision. Clarity, though, should come naturally, but many of us love without it. Without clarity, we have uncertainty, and we tend to chase delusions. When you grab at delusions, you’re only going to find anger, sadness, frustration, and resentment. Approaching the relationship shoe-matching game with a little responsibility changes the outlook and the possibilities infinitely. Unhealthy and negative emotions and images slide off of us, and we begin to give off a healthiness and readiness that other people find attractive. Not only that, but the ones attracted to us tend to create the right shape relationship. Those people who create the wrong relationships tend towards other people ready to make the same poor choice. But you can only give to someone else from where you really are. Pairing the wrong relationship with the wrong needs ends up making the next attempt harder and more painful. If we pursue relationships but can’t see what we’re looking for, the struggle gets more difficult, and the breakups get uglier. If that’s your cycle, it’s time to back away. Think about and understand what it is you need, then pursue. Trying it blindly only makes you weaker and your attraction to a romantic pairing that won’t work only stronger. Feelings get caught up in every decision we make. Many times, we focus on those feelings and not on ourselves. If you focus on a temporary feeling and not on who you are, you lose yourself. A male friend of mine felt miserable after a bad break-up, but quickly found someone who made him happy. He focused on that temporary happiness instead of his real situation. Sooner than later, that relationship fell apart, and he ended up having to deal with the pain from both situations. It comes down to motives. We need to understand where we’re coming from and why we want the relationship we’re seeking. A woman may have wanted very badly to stay at home and raise a family. After throwing herself to the first available man, without paying attention to her real needs, she finds herself single and raising three children. We have to be honest. If the tennis-shoe relationship isn’t fitting the dress-shoe need, then we need to tell ourselves that. We need to realize we can’t make those other styles work, no matter how we try. No one can tell us what we want and need. We can only listen to ourselves, because we’re the only ones who know. The problem most people have is trying to make that tennis shoe something it isn’t. We look at our relationships and tell ourselves we’ve found a beautiful dress shoe. Then we try to wear the tennis shoe like a gorgeous stiletto and end up looking and feeling foolish. Or, even worse, we find a beautiful dress shoe, but we don’t do the work on ourselves that’s necessary. We go out in that sexy pump wearing a dirty sports bra and ratty shorts with the same result as earlier. Shoe problems come in many different colors, and spotting them can be difficult. Sometimes one partner might be wondering why they constantly give of themselves yet receive nothing from the other person. Other times, a partner simply can’t relate to the other. The person aware of the problem thinks their lover is stupid or selfish, but life circumstances are sometimes so different as to make it nearly impossible for two people to relate. For instance, a man who’s always been single might never relate to his girlfriend with three kids and two jobs. Another similar issue revolves around values. I’ve seen many couples assume their love will outweigh the differences they have with their basic belief systems (be they political, social, or religious), and every time those differences have won out. Worse problems can be letting the other person have too much control. They may cross boundaries we know we have set for ourselves, yet we let them do it. This could range from someone who’s simply selfish to someone who’s abusive. When you’re making excuses for your partner, you’re wearing the wrong shoe. Another aspect of that is when we have to be with that partner. If you find yourself restricting your activities because the person you love won’t be there, it’s time to reconsider that shoe closet. Other times we decide to catch the dress shoe by being our best, but let our selves go once we have what we want. We gain ten pounds or maybe slow down our interest in the activities that had once set us apart. Essentially, we become lazy. Or perhaps we do the opposite. We decide to show all of our bad qualities up front. Maybe subconsciously we’re trying to sabotage something good or we simply overdo a behavior that we know we’re capable of in order to make them comfortable with us. Maybe we look for something explosive. We have sex right away, just testing to see if we’ll be compatible sexually. But sex isn’t a glue people. The kind of amazing sex I’ve been talking about for years is attainable, but it has to follow everything else. Another explosiveness might be drama. People sometimes gravitate towards a relationship that refuses anything dull. Arguments and abuse equal action, and that’s what some people crave. In the end, these relationships burn out, but not without leaving terrible scars. The trick to navigating the shoe closet of relationships is
to decide what you want and need. You can’t just walk in
and pick what you first find. You need to push aside the temporary
feelings and dreams and look for the right person for the right
life occasion. If you’re feeling like the relationship
you’re in isn’t fitting what your life needs, it’s
time to stop and figure out what’s lacking. Don’t
just make sure the shoe fits. Make sure the right shoe fits,
and don’t forget to make sure you fit the shoe.
For more information visit Jackie at www.justaskjackie.com or call (800) 874-6685. |
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by
Jackie Fine
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