Make-Up Sex

by Jackie Fine


Here’s one thing your mother never told you: disagreements in relationships can be a good thing. They can bring to the surface information or knowledge about your relationship that you never knew are may have over looked. Disagreements can also highlight something special about the two of you that may not have been previously understood.

Chances are there have been times in your relationship when one of you wanted something from the other and the other couldn't hear the need or was unwilling to try to meet that need. In some cases, you may have felt an agreement that previously existed was broken. However, some of us don’t know how to ask for what we want or how to make our lovemaking passionate without a good fight beforehand. We will start fights for the sheer fact of making up - particularly for the intimacy and fireworks of MAKE UP SEX. The good news is that couples need not tear down their relationship simply to build it back up again. The learning curve of relationships can be smoothed out, with fewer dramatic ups and downs.

Case in point. Samantha and Preston came to my office not long ago to discuss a recent fight
Samantha, who had recently moved to the area, didn't know many people and therefore looked to Preston to fill all her social needs. Preston was busy with his work and several extra commitments in the evenings. Because of their conflicting wants and needs, combined with busy schedules. Samantha felt neglected. Preston was tired from juggling his responsibilities with Samantha's need for intimacy and his presence. On a recent evening, during one of their limited times together, Samantha and Preston's frustrations boiled over, exploding into tears and shouting. Preston left for work angry. Samantha stayed up for a bit and then went to bed early, angrier and more alone then ever. At 4 a.m. that morning, when Preston had finished his work, he knocked on Samantha’s door. She woke up and let him in. Apologies flew back and forth, and then came – you guessed it! - the MAKE-UP SEX! To the neighbors, this probably sounded like another breaking up moment. But essentially it was a turning point in their relationship. It got them into my office.

Once they were away from the distractions of their daily routine, Samantha and Preston realized they had both been consumed by their jobs and other responsibilities, which kept them apart. They also understood that HOW they communicated when they were together was even more damaging to the relationship than not seeing each other as often. They cleared the air. They said everything they had felt, and had been holding on to. Keeping their unhappiness inside left them more emotionally bruised than they had realized. The night of their fight only added more pain to Samantha’s and Preston’s relationship, pain that had layed dormant for some time. After hearing everything through, they decided to do what they should have done all along -- focus more on each other. That night after Samantha and Preston left my office they said they truly made love instead of just having sex. They said that after openly communicating they felt they were on solid ground again; that they knew what each other felt. They recommitted to work toward the other's happiness.

In relationships sometime we keep our problems to ourselves. We focused so much on trying to have a good time that we feel ignored when we have an off moment. Keeping things to ourselves may seem to work for a while, but we all know what happens when feelings are locked away for too long. Eventually, someone is going to boil over.

There is a bright side to, disagreements. They can be constructive if:

1. You fully understand the other person's views and opinions on the matter at hand.
2. You do not make the other person out to be wrong and yourself right. Some of us would rather be right then to be happy. We can grow old, alone . . . and right!
3. Last but not least you have to make specific promises and requests and be clear on what the promises and request are. Then do your best to keep them!

That’s when lovemaking can become truly spectacular. In a recent poll conducted by Newsweek magazine, 60 percent of married couples had sex 10 times a year. Of those 10 times, I’m willing to bet half of those love-making episodes are MAKE UP SEX.

This kind of sex is common. These couples have jobs, children, hobbies and a million other aspects of life that tug on their minds, emotions and time. In day-to-day life, they squeeze out what they need most of all -- each other.

Couples can be deliberate about creating the kind of excitement that leads to passionate love-making without having a fight first. There are better and more productive ways that couples can grow their relationships -- without explosive spurts that tear down the relationship, only to have to build it back up again. Set aside time to just be alone with each other or to discuss your interests and concerns, truly explore one another. For some just getting to this part can be very difficult. For this I suggest watching our video The Ultimate Guide To Making A Relationship Work.

If we pay better attention to our partners on a daily basis, there will be no need for major breakups and the ensuing MAKE-UP SEX. A daily nurturing relationship beats out a single MAKE-UP moment by far.

Great sex can keep getting better and better and better. Trust me I know! If we take the time to honestly talk with each other about what's on our minds, problems, concerns, fears -- and even successes -- I guarantee you a better relationship. We have to be willing to just do it!

Samantha and Preston realized it's never too late to start communicating on a daily basis and that it's better than waiting for one of them to explode. They learned to do something TODAY -- a weekend away together or simply a trip to the fruit stand. The same thing applies to you. Make time for your partner. In the long run, you will realize it's a lot more fun and less damaging when the neighbors hear the headboard -- rather than plates -- hit the wall.

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