 by Jackie Fine
The other day I caught myself thinking about sex. (Granted, I get
paid to think about it, but this time was different; this was for
me.) I won't go into details, but my thoughts centered on a passionate
encounter in a steamy, but comfortable, hot tub. No, I don't get
paid to think about sex in quite those terms.
Everyone does it, though. Everyone fantasizes. Everyone takes a
moment or two to relax in erotic imagination that can heat up like
a mental steam room. Generally though, these steamy thoughts aren't
full of naked, old men like the steam room my father used to visit
in the YMCA. Unless, of course, that's your thing... and if it
is, then great.
Having fantasies is natural. They are a chance for our imagination
to give us what life does not. Of course, we all want to live out
our deepest desires; that's why we have them, isn't it? It's something
we really want, and maybe that's the reason they are so powerful
- the wanting builds up our interest.
However, I don't think our personal sexual desires exist only to
give us an exciting though slightly frustrating break. I believe
you can discover what you want sexually by daydreaming about what
you don't have. Fantasies rarely focus on past experience. A fantasy
usually involves what some part of you perceives as the ideal sexual
encounter. Your mind will even idealize the other person in your
daydream so that they become more of what you want a partner to
be than what that person really is.
You may not even notice it. You may have simply clung to this particular
idea of sex since you first discovered your own mental erotica
back when you were in puberty. (Remember those days?) To you it
seems a simple distraction you occasionally indulge. But someone
else might understand it. Someone who is close to you might find
it intriguing. This person may be able to separate the truth from
the daydream and try to find a way to fulfill it for you.
This part usually finds itself left out of the fantasy -- the revelation.
We keep our fantasies to ourselves. We might find them too personal
and embarrassing to tell someone else, but isn't that what intimacy
is about? Tell your partner what you've dreamed about, what you
really want to do. As long as it isn't illegal and no one can get
hurt, living it a little might change your sex lives remarkably.
Your partner can't be expected to be the perfect sexual image you've
been wanting. Most likely, no one can. But someone who understands
you and loves you will be able to figure out a little better what
you're asking for through your fantasy. Not only that, someone
who loves and understands will want to do their best to make it
happen for you, and you should do the same.
This is sexual communication of the highest degree. It goes beyond
telling your partner what feels good physically or what positions
you might think are interesting. This takes the person you love
inside a part of you where ordinarily you enter completely alone.
Revelation of this nature brings couples closer together emotionally,
and, by the very nature of fulfilling a desire, it brings them
closer physically.
So this weekend, try to find some time to be alone and honest with
your lover. Talk a little about what you want, and maybe toss around
why you want it. Discover a way to figure out how to fulfill it.
If staying at home seems too mundane, go someplace a little more
exotic, even if it is just the hotel a zip code or two away. But
do your best to understand what your lover wants and how to give
them that.
Trust me, coming clean will never feel quite so good.
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