 by Jackie Fine
Men seem impossible to please. Lots of them really are just large
boys, so I think it's fair to dismiss some desires. But ladies,
I have to admit, guys complain to me all the time about you. They
say something is missing in the bedroom. It's not the same, they
whine, or she's just not interested any more. Jackie, make my wife
want sex again, they tell me.
Now, I know how men can be. I understand many of them still want
to live out impossible adolescent fantasies, but before your man
talks you into calling up a girlfriend of yours to come over some
night, give a moment's thought to a few suggestions. And don't
worry, I have a few words to say to the men, too.
But first, this common problem has several common roots. A simple
one is time. After a while, sex becomes routine. We enjoy it, but
we also enjoy watching Cosby reruns. All too often the passive
activity wins out over the passionate. Then, of course, women have
to deal with other changes -- children, menopause. Both of these
events often cause a lack of libido for the female. It's not her
fault, she's just not as interested. This is why Alura was created.
The routine and the loss of arousal can be combated with a return
to the simple. What does your man like? What does he enjoy in the
bedroom? When you first started making love, what did you do that
drove him insane? The odds are that little has changed, but in
the time that has passed since our first sexual encounters with
our mates, we've forgotten how to please them.
Lovemaking takes deliberation. We have to enter the bedroom wanting
to please our partners. Men don't want a woman simply to lie on
the bed until they're through (OK, radio DJ's constantly tell me
they'd be happy with that, but the man who means that is the man
who sleeps alone). Men want a performance. Men want to feel wanted
and desired as much as women, and the way to show that to a man
is your participation in bed. Bedtime isn't for sleeping; it's
for performing.
However, men, don't think your partner is the only one who needs
to shape up their lovemaking involvement. Once your female partner
has lost interest for whatever reason, you often lose that same
deliberate approach to sex. It becomes more of a push to orgasm
for you. Women can tell, guys. Women know when a man's only focus
is his orgasm and not pleasing her. Be deliberate. Go to the bedroom
having made the choice to please her. Remember what she used to
love and do that. If you both slide into the sheets ready to seduce
and pleasure the other, then most likely the woman will find her
desire returning.
As we get older, life changes begin and responsibilities mount,
and sex can become a routine that kills itself. We just need to
remember what it can feel like and that it can even feel better
if we only pay attention. If we've forgotten how to please each
other, then both partners should be deliberate about teaching the
other once again. This can be lots of fun!
Ladies, sex isn't about gracing your partner with your presence
until they orgasm. You'll grow to resent it. And gentlemen, if
you notice that attitude in your mate, do something about it. Both
of you need to take the responsibility for the other's pleasure.
Sex should never be passive. Sex is an activity. It takes attention.
In giving it, both of you will find yourselves on the pleasure-receiving
end.
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