 by Jackie Fine
Sex creates a union. Let's start there.
At times it might seem only of slight significance, but you join
the person you make love to. People forget that. People want to
believe sex is a purely physical act for pleasure.
Of course, I'm not trying to knock sex - I love it. Let me say
that again: I love it! But I've had to realize the implications
that come from giving yourself to someone. A powerful physical
activity creates a powerful emotional response. OK, are we more
or less clear on this?
Good!
A woman emailed me recently with an all-too-common dilemma: She'd
been in a sexually active relationship with a man for three months,
when she finally understood that her partner enjoyed sex more than
the relationship. She felt drawn to him in an emotional way that
made her want more from him than simple physical pleasure. To her,
he wasn't a pastime - he was a person she wanted to be with and
grow with.
This happens frequently with women, but let's not be too quick
to blame the men. I know plenty of ladies whose libidos out distance
their hearts weekend after weekend.The problem is sex involves
more than one person. And while some people like to talk during
sex, few of us are talking after it.
I don't know why we don't talk. I find I can talk about my feelings on all the
minutiae. I can tell my partner the subtleties of my opinions on the quick conversation
I had with my bank teller, but I can't always tell him what I want or need from
him - or us. Maybe I'm afraid it will take me into territory I really wasn't
ready for, whatever that may mean. The unknown often seals one's lips.
But that doesn't make sense. When I drive at night, I turn on my
headlights. I use a map. But also I know how to determine where
I want to go, and what it will take for me to get there.. Going
into unknown neighborhoods at night can be frightening, but why
would I want to handicap myself and simply wander in?
So set a foundation before you become committed. The woman in the
email jumped into something she believed she wanted, a situation
that could have turned into something beautiful. But she never
consulted the map. She didn't even turn on the headlights. Not
talking is easy now, but it will cause problems for you down the
road. We assume that if we don't talk, our relationship will magically
cohere into what we want. But I've got news for you: it won't.
Honesty is frightening, but don't run from it. You can't force
someone into something they don't want. Not telling them what you
want only forces you into a situation you never anticipated. Before
you behave intimately, speak intimately. You may find your "ideal" situation
fades like a dream with the morning light, but isn't that better
than finding out three months later?
Talk about what you want before you act like you have it. Disappointment
now is better than heartache later.
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