 by Jackie Fine
Since September 11th, 2001, our relationships have become stripped
of the outside concerns that once bogged us down.
So many of us have stopped worrying about the extra details hindering
our lives with our loved ones. Love matters again, more than jobs,
money, or trivial daily concerns - and I think that is beautiful.
And when love matters, words matter. To manifest our love, we have
to communicate it.
Ugly events happen in every relationship. Just because you and
your partner love each other doesn't mean you're exempt from the
hurtful behavior humans so often exhibit towards each other.
Often though, we don't even have to try purposefully to hurt someone.
The most flippant action or careless statement can be misconstrued
in an infinite number of ways. Once the shock of an ugly situation
wears off, we start to let the daily distractions overwhelm us
again. We stop paying as much attention to our lovers as before.
When we don't have the time to communicate, we simply don't. That
means our partner has to figure out the meanings behind our actions
- and the vast majority of us are not Sherlock Holmes. Eventually,
a problem arises.
We fight. We air the differences that have been under the surface
for weeks. We don't listen; we just talk.
But if words matter, then how much more does listening?
When you and your partner discuss your points of view, try to understand
what that person is trying to say. Ask questions. Pinpoint exactly
why they feel how they do.
Obviously, you can't do this when one or both of you are blinded
by emotion. Let the anger or hurt subside, then think for awhile.
Try to understand for yourself the various reasons your lover may
have acted or spoken how they did. Then, calmly, listen to their
explanation or reasoning.
I promise, if you handle problems this way, you'll only encounter
relationship speed bumps and never relationship mountains.
Of course, we can forestall such honest communication with a quick
white lie. We aren't so much lying as cutting corners. Our lives
are busy, we don't have time to sit and explain every action or
thought, right?
Maybe not ideally, but if you get caught in even the whitest of
lies, your lover will be rightfully hurt and angry. And if you
don't get caught, you're only succeeding in keeping intimacy at
arm's length.
Intimacy is everything. Ugliness will find its way into the rose
garden of your relationship, but you can fight it. Talk about it.
Let yourself move beyond your immediate reaction and emotion, and
let your brain talk for a while. Rational thought overcomes hurt
thought every time. Then talk to your lover.
The past few weeks our nation has proven we can find the road to
recovery. Don't let your or your lover's humanity separate the
two of you.
Words matter.
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