Relationship Educator Jackie Fine

Lust to Love: Dating in 5 Steps

by Jackie Fine

A friend of mine has a new boyfriend every week. She meets some “oh-my-God-wonderful guy” while she’s out – a bar, museum, even her ob-gyn’s office (trust me, that story does not reflect well on her). Her relationships have an exit strategy built in: she’s honest up front and says she’s terrible with boyfriends. Then, when her prophecy comes true, and she finds a new boy toy, she can shrug and say, “at least I was honest.”

She always seems so bubbly happy with everything, so I’ve kept my mouth shut, until the other day. She asked me if it were possible she missed out on the monogamy or commitment gene. In her case, I said it’s a definite possibility, but most likely she had the wrong approach.

So, instead of giving advice to everyone who’s already in a relationship, I thought I would write a little about how to establish one (the word “relationship” here is going to mean a little more than just calling the next day, ok?) So here’s my five-step dating-to-relationship plan

1. Start with Honesty

My friend thought she had the right approach. Yes, we should start with honesty, but that means several things. First, don’t make up a career. Don’t leave out that you just broke up with someone. Don’t fluff yourself up at all, because it does come tumbling down. Lies beget lies which beget failed relationships.

Another word on honesty – watch out for Internet dating. I have no problems with finding a mate online, and for many people it seems to be working beautifully. Beware, many people want only sex but are too insecure to try finding it elsewhere. Or they want a relationship, but know a sexy ad gets more attention. If someone’s picture looks ultra hot and they claim to make six figures, it doesn’t mean it’s true. The Internet can be a great new dating media or simply another way to make a slick lie.

2. Open Up (or Keep Being Honest!)

Now, once you’ve been honest, continue that with a willingness to open yourself up. This is where my friend completely detours into quick, shallow trysts. Communicate what you want and who you are. This means you have to talk, and it means you have to be willing to find yourself in a disagreement. Tailoring your feelings and comments to what you think someone might want to hear just won’t work.

3. Don’t Give Out Everything at Once

But don’t give everything out at once! My father told me conversation works like tennis. It has to go back and forth. Maybe that’s not a perfect analogy, since getting to know someone isn’t a competition, but the give and take idea works. I guarantee if all you’re doing is serving, and you refuse to let the other person return the ball, they aren’t having fun. People who talk about themselves incessantly do not get very far in relationships. Both of you have to open up, so take your time.

4. Let the Commitment Wait

Do not commit right away. Those rare times when my friend has had longer relationships, she’s shifted from “met-this-gorgeous-guy” to “totally exclusive” immediately, sometimes by the third drink. Try developing a friendship first. This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a physical relationship within your comfort zone. It just means you are giving you and your possible partner a chance to build on something. Get to know each other better, then consider upping the ante.

5. Demand Respect

Finally, do not be a doormat. It’s tricky sometimes to tell an acquaintance they’ve overstepped their bounds, no matter whether it was a comment, action, or even lack of one. The sweetest, most selfless people will test boundaries in new relationships. Stick up for yourself. If you don’t like a behavioral aspect now, just wait until it’s a habit.
So start out and stay honest, take your time, and demand respect. This doesn’t mean the person you met yesterday will become a lifetime partner. But if that’s what you want and what you’re looking for, this plan will help you avoid missed opportunities. Like I told my friend, don’t just take the happy hour fun home with you, try to make it a part of home.